Four years ago, I didn’t know anyone who had committed suicide. Today I’ve lost count. I recently read the statistic that 1 and 7 people who have known someone to commit suicide, will commit suicide themselves. In other words- Myself, you or the person next to you could be next. Does that not scare the shit out of you?
After my accident ten years ago, so much has changed. Most things out of my control. I laid everything out on the table last year. I had friends walk out of my life as if I was nothing. Their problems were bigger than mine. All the judgement. My own family not wanting to understand, rightfully so. No one thinks the same. Now that time has passed, I see why people react the way they do. And why I react the way I do. We are all molded by something in our past that has made us stay comfortable in our own ways.
I don’t blame anyone for ever hurting me. I blame myself for letting others control my feelings.
If I would have known that facing my fears of depression would flip my world upside down, I would have just kept to myself. I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. We are programmed to keep it all in and keep moving. Sometimes we need to take the time to heal the past and the present before we can move forward.
Being the girl that feels too much, I am always questioning my own worth. I’m either ‘too much’ or ‘not enough.’ I know things take time and clearly I’m not ready for all the BIG things I have been asking for out of life.
“He who loses Faith; loses all.”
I take things day by day. Some would say I’m selfish or even ignorant for feeling the way I do some days, when I have it so good. Others would say they had no idea I even felt such hurt. I used to hide it so well. For some reason over the years, I’ve let it be written all over my face.
I often wished that one day my past wouldn’t define who I am. But in reality, it is who I am and what I am becoming. The more I am true to myself and to others, the world is becoming more clear.
I have made my way back to working in a world that I am passionate in. Healing and helping others. I know I may question my worth, but at the end of the day, I know what I bring to the table. I was raised to be a good person, and that I know I am. I stand up for what I think is right or wrong. I celebrate the good. I get mad and let down when things go wrong. I am human. I hold myself and everyone to much higher standards than most. If I didn’t, my circle wouldn’t be so great.
The best part about my story, I am able to speak on it. I’m not afraid of it. Some days may be a struggle to get out of bed but I am able to grow everyday from something that happened so long ago. My father always told me back then that in tens years all of it wouldn’t matter, I wish I could say he was right. I’m lucky enough to have had someone as optimistic as him by my my side. I became a different person over night. I might not think the same, look the same, feel the same but my soul stayed pure.
The last few months have been life changing to say the least. The people i surrounded myself with have really shown me what life is. What I’ve been missing. Like my best friend who I walked out on a year ago because things got too hectic and I was selfish. I was welcomed with open arms a year later, that’s a true angel. The ones who forgive you when you can’t forgive yourself are the ones we need. There is so much good going on right now, so many changes, it’s hard to stay mad or fixated on something I know I can’t control.
I have found myself again through writing and sharing my trail and errors with all of you. All the love that is thrown my way can not be ignored. From sweet text checking in on me to random people encouraging me to keep going. It’s all right in front of us, we just have to open our eyes.