B for Broken

“Suicide doesn’t end the pain. It passes it on to someone else.”

I’ve been going back and forth on what I should write about next. I feel like I have so many things I want share but the right words don’t come to mind. I read that quote last week and it really hit home. Right under the picture it was captioned ‘These words saved my life’ – I can’t even find the words to describe how I felt in that moment. 

I’m sure in my blogs you will read the phrase ‘I feel’ a lot. And let me tell you. I fucking feel. I feel way too much. My whole life I’ve been told “You care too much” .. Deep down all I’ve ever wanted to say is “Maybe you don’t care enough.”

I’d be lying if I said the thought of suicide never crossed my mind. Luckily, the thought alone leaves an unbearable feeling in my soul. Almost 2 years ago, I lost a friend to a self-inflicted wound. You never think it’s going to hit home until it’s too late. I am still to this day asking myself, Why? It’s a mistake, Right? Wake me up from this horrid dream. To talk yourself down from the ledge has to be one of the hardest accomplishments one can face. Clearly, not everyone is lucky enough to win that battle.

Depression can and it will take over your life. If you aren’t personally suffering yourself, you know of someone who is. It’s true when they say ‘Pain changes people’ – All too often we are judged and crucified for what we have been through. Or even what we have not.

I can count a handful of times I’ve been pushed away because I am ‘broken’ – Whatever the fuck that means. I too get confused on what the true meaning is.

Broken- (1) having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order (2) having given up all hope.

Although I have been fractured, I was thankfully bolted back together. And even though I’ve been damaged, I’m still here fighting for my place.

B gave up. He gave up hope. He gave up on his friends. His family. And most importantly, he gave up on himself. He was worth fighting for. He worked so hard. Day in and day out- He was the best friend anyone could ask for. I think back and it brings tears to my eyes knowing how much he was hurting. Obviously, a little extra that day. He let himself get lost in this nasty world and doubted all of us.

If I had the chance to speak to him today, I would tell him he isn’t the only one who feels defeated. I too have loved someone so much I wanted to die. I would tell him he was enough. I would thank him for always being there for me. I would tell him his past never mattered and remind him how far he had come. I would show him proof of how hard he always worked. I would tell him I was proud of him and that I love him. Most importantly, I would remind him of our God. I’ve been told he can save a dying soul.

If at any point I feel like slipping- I think of him. He is my constant reminder of life. I’ll never forget that morning. January 19th. I woke up at 3:45 on the dot. I knew something was wrong. I will never forget the feeling I felt or the size of the knot I had in my throat as I was grasping for the words of disbelief.

That moment your soul is rocked.

“Suicide is the only thing you can control in your life. That’s why it’s considered a sin. Because you’re beating God at his own game.”

Never under estimate the pain someone is feeling, we’re all struggling if you haven’t noticed. A heart does not turn cold unless it’s been treated with coldness.

“For sometimes you the break the things you love, and sometimes the things you love break you.”