You know that feeling you get right before you get in an accident, or almost get hit? That life or death feeling, that may choose you in that moment. As horrible and awful of a feeling or thought that may seem- it’s real. And people live their lives feeling this way. Every. Single. Day.
Disclaimer: I did name this ‘Dear Mom’- That doesn’t mean it’s directed at my Saint of a Mother, by any means. There’s a ton of people in my life- who may or may not know the things that are about to spill from my heart.
I was rudely awakened last Sunday to the fact that my own parents don’t really know their only daughters real struggles. Crazy to think when- I talk to mom every day. She is someone I consider my best friend. My dad- he’s always busy with work and he’s had a lot of back surgeries (9 to be exact) so when he gets time to nap, he does. I don’t like waking him, so I try not to call him too often. But yet- I have no problem calling him at 2 AM if I’m in trouble somewhere. You know how it works.
I gave myself my own intervention, I asked my parents to talk and I opened up. I told them about my depression and how it was slowly taking over my life. I told them everything. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I felt as if I was living a lie. Can you imagine the weight lifted off my shoulders? Probably not. But it was massive. I’ve been wanting to speak to my parents on that level for a few years now. We’re all on our own timeline too, learned that.
With that being said, I suffer from severe depression. Some days I don’t even know how I make it out of bed- I get home from work and everything is a blur. Other days, I don’t even try. I just stay in. I wish it was appropriate to put a BEWARE sign on my door or even something to send out a text alert to my friends/family or anyone who might text me that day. That’s the real world stuff we need to be thinking about.
Most days- I feel doesn’t understood. My mom own mother doesn’t understand sometimes. She still makes comments to me about my relationship and all the mistakes I made- she ‘warned’ me about them all. Because she knew better. Maybe she did. But I was 18. Does anyone listen to their parents when they are 18? My heart bleeds when she throws stabs at me like that. It’s then- When I realize she just don’t understand exactly what I’ve been through. She isn’t the only one though. I have friends who constantly remind me- ‘The pain we bare, is pain we bring on ourselves.’ I try to keep those people at a distance. I didn’t ask to be this way. I never asked for any of this. I know people who have it way worse then I do, and they didn’t ask for that neither.
“No matter how hard we try to escape it, you’re the only you there is, so you might as well be true to your heart.”
The last few months I have been going through a lot of self-observation. I went to a therapist for the last year- every two weeks, if my schedule let me.
I learned a lot about myself and who I am as a person. I learned I am a lot Stronger- Mentally. Physically. Emotionally- than I ever thought I was. The sad part is- Some how- some way- my brain doesn’t let me remember all the great things about myself that I should. We aren’t all programmed that way. The last ten years, I have gone from one shit storm to the next- No slowing down. I honestly have lost site of what is good and what is bad in people. I have gone through many shitty relationships/friendships. I’m exhausted. Who is fake? Who is even real anymore? Why do people put time and effort into someone just to drop them the next day for the better looking match on one of their 10 dating apps. Get a life.
Since we are being honest here. Unloyaltly, is all I know. I continuously put myself through dirt for people. At the end of the end, it’s my mistake. I knew better, every time.
About three years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD- Ummm? What does that even mean?? I thought people who only went to war could have PTSD- Or at least that is how it is often viewed. Little did I know that the ‘trauma’ from my accident is still hiding deep inside of me. The look on people’s faces when I tell them I was diagnosed with such a thing is probably the same look you might of just had. Some know the real meaning behind those 4 letters- and the others will learn on their own.
Like I’ve said before- Everything I had ever known growing up was flipped upside down, shattered, in a matter of minutes. No pun intended.
I am not ashamed to admit that I still have problems from an accident that happened 10 years ago. It was HUGE then. And it’s still big now. To all of my old friends who blew it off as if it was nothing, here’s a big ‘FUCK YOU’ — I don’t expect anyone to understand. It changed my life as an nine-teen year old kid. It’s still changing my life today.
And for the record. I didn’t sue anyone. So there’s that, to all you believers out there.
“Nothing of me is original, I am the combined effort of everybody I’ve ever known.”
Like I told my mother, as I’m about to tell all of you, I wish I could go back and change everything. But I can’t. I can’t live off of her mistakes or anyone else’s- I have to make my own. As I’m sure I will continue to do so. All I can do is take her advice. I hope she understands that much. It’s not JUST because of him, Mom. It was my ‘friends’ who turned their backs on me when things got sour. It was nothing but hatred and betrayal from people I knew my whole life. People who know things about me that nobody else does. They all left. Half of them came back after learning the truth. Probably not even half. More like a handful. It all happened so quickly, but yet it still feels like yesterday.
Where I have come from, where I’m at now, is completely different from where I hope to be in the next ten years. I have battled a ‘salty’ heart for awhile now. Flight of flight, right? What’s it going to be? Call me selfish, but I’m going to fight for my own ego for awhile. All I can do is pray for a bright future- I know it’s waiting for me. Healthy Living. Happiness. And Growth.
Once you realize you don’t get to choose which way life takes you, your days become a lot easier.
“I’ve never met anyone else I’d rather be, and even if that’s a delusion, it’s a lucky one.”