I’ve sat here for days wondering where I should even start. The words are there. They just won’t come out.
I’m not really sure when I knew the truth. But I knew. I always have.
“People don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.”
You know that gut feeling you get when something bad is about to happen? I’ve talked about it before. Fight of flight. In every relationship, in the past my first instinct was to run. And I always have. Getting attached again and having the possibility of what happened before, happen again, wrecks my well-being just thinking about it.
I’ve tried multiple times to open up. I get to a certain point and for some reason, my brain just goes into over load. Maybe half the shit is made up- but the other half. It’s real. I’ve lived it. And most of you have too.
When we first met, you were a mystery. It’s been 2 years- and I can still say I hardly know you. You told me you would never hurt me like everyone else has. Friends or more than friends. You crushed me. You were so predictable. You did exactly what I said you would do. Maybe I talked it into being- Or maybe that’s just what you truly stand for and I knew it all along.
Why I ever let myself get lost in the chaos of another unfaithful friendship- relationship. I’ll never know. I must be reaching for something I never got in the past.
You left me sitting there. Crying. Shaking. So many questions left unanswered. That you actually had the answers to.. To coward to tell me in person. You text me after you left- Giving me the truth I wanted. The truth I deserved all along.
After two years, I thought I knew you a little better than that. But as I said, “It’s always easy to move on when you have someone waiting for you.” You got so defensive. Why? If this is something you actually wanted- To leave- To finally win this battle- You won.
My only regret, is opening up to you. Letting you into my life as IF we had a future. Bringing you around my family and friends. Telling you every detail of my life and everything going on around me, thinking you weren’t judging. Truth always comes out.
‘Sometimes we know why things happen, other times it takes awhile to set in. When the truth hits you- The strongest thing to do is accept it. You can’t force anybody to appreciate what you have to give. And not everybody will recognize what makes you special. But they’ll feel the difference when you’re no longer around.’
I started believing that everyone else in my life was bad for me, but you. That was my mistake. I knew better. This whole time you were telling me that my friends weren’t true to me or my life. In reality, they were quietly cheering me on from the sidelines. I feel whole again having them back in my life. Not only do I have my friends back, they won’t let me fall again.
You taught me to stay true to what I believe in. I know what I want and need out of any relationship. I’ve been to rock bottom, I didn’t want to go back- You knew that and you still took me there. Thank you. It’s all up from here.
‘We are on our own personal journey seeking our own truth. Sometimes we take things too personal. In order to grow as a soul, you have to come to an understanding that no matter what someone else has done to you, no matter who you wish them to be, people are who they are. They less you expect from them, the less you can be hurt by them.’
You dropped me with no intent on picking me up. That’s fine. This is where I pick myself up and move the fuck on. What I do best.
I really hope you’re happy.