Resilience

I’ve been writing in a journal lately. I used to write all the time when I was a kid, I forgot how much I loved it. I think I’ve come to the realization of what is really important in life, or I’m getting there to say the least.

The last two months have been filled with so many ups and downs. For those who do not know, I quit my job at the Financial Firm. I felt myself drowning. I was becoming someone who wasn’t me. I got ugly and didn’t even want to be around my own company at times. I would sit there daily and stare out the window thinking of all the other things I should be doing with my life. I finally got the courage to stick up for my future. Money is great, yes. But is it worth your sanity? Some think so. Past generations don’t know any better. I have found myself lately comparing generations. Past, present, future. It’s scary. Is it not? I’m still trying to wrap my mind around where I come from- and how my parents grew up. The older I get- The more appreciation I have for their hard work and perservance to keep our family going. Every. Damn. Day. Life is SO tough. Whether we like it or not.

I’ve been fortunate enough to take some time off and gather myself. Heal the open wounds inside of me that kept getting ripped open over the last 10 years. As always, when you finally get time off, it seems that is when things get most hectic.

For those that don’t know my storm the last few months- Here it is:

Within two weeks of quitting my job, the guy who I had been on and off for with for almost two years, completely walked out of my life. Just when I needed him most. He had sat there a week prior saying he would never hurt me like everyone else had. He said he would prove to me he wanted me in his life, even if it was just as a friend. For some reason, I can’t get past that. How do people just say false words? I never expected this from him. Things had always been rocky. Rocky is all we knew.

“Real love is always chaotic. You lose control; you lose perspective. You lose the ability to protect yourself. The greater the love, the greater the chaos. It’s a given and that’s the secret.”

Like I stated in the last post, he left me sitting there crying and shaking. I was asking for answers. I asked if there was anything he needed to tell me. No Response. Dead look in his eyes. With my door open and his dog walking out he stopped and looked at me. Nothing else to say? What were you feeling and thinking in that moment? Did you even care that you were about to shatter my world. Once more.
I’m not here to sugar coat anything, He text me within minutes of leaving, telling me he was talking to another girl. WHAT THE FUCK BRO. Thank you for that. When my mind got to wandering. I had remembered you told me about her- You told me you turned the other way and I had nothing to worry about. Again, False words, that I believed. My mistake? Or your lie?

I’ve seen bits and pieces of their relationship all over Facebook and IG. Social Media is A Bitch. Not to mention we live in the same apartment complex. Killer right? I’ve had people send me stuff asking “what happened?” I don’t even know what to tell them at this point. I say I’m just as shocked as they are. He has made it FB official within one month of dating her. He has given her everything I asked of him for two years. All in one month. Before we stopped talking- When things were going back and forth- he sat there and ‘Thanked me for everything I had done and how I had helped him become a better person.’ Ironically, my ex prior to him of five years said those same exact words to me. Ohhh, so I worked my ass off to make him a better man. A better man for someone else to enjoy. You’re Welcome. I know my pain from all of this will pay off and push me forward even more than it already has. You can’t treat someone like that. I DO have a heart. You and her both destroyed it. #powerteam

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Within that same week, I had a friend of mine pass away. Cold Blood Murder. He went in a way no one should ever have to suffer. Not even your worst enemy. You can imagine the image I have of my friend in my head, something I have not stopped thinking about. I keep asking ‘why?’ Why do good people have to be taken so soon? The two friends we have all lost in the last two years were the most stand up guys you could ask for. There for anyone. To help. To encourage. Nothing but wanting to help others. They both loved bigger than their hearts could handle.

I know you may ask what does that have to do with anything written above. Well- The same weekend I was laying my friend to rest- Celebrating his life- My ‘ex’ or whatever he was- was at the beach making it official with someone he barely knew. In a sense- I feel like he died right along side with my friend. When I say that out loud- It makes me question everything. Am I crazy for feeling that way? I’ve been mourning a friend that I will never see again. At the same time- I’m mourning the loss of someone I never got closure from. A feeling I’ve never felt. You were in my life every day and then you just disappeared. But yet- You’re here. You’re around. I have to see you. Good thing for a strong heart.

I’ve sat here many nights- Wide awake. Contemplating my life. What to do. What to do next. I do see a future full of happiness for me. I have found my passion in Yoga. It flows thru me like nothing else ever has. The second I get upside down, the world disappears. I am working on my Level One Certification at the moment. I will be attending a PTSD course in College Station at the end of July. I am beyond excited to meet people who deal with some of the same pains I struggle with.

“If you have done the very best you can then stop worrying. If you want to be successful in life and relationships. Respect One Rule: Never let failure take control of you. Everybody has gone through something that has changed them in a way they could never go back to the person they once were.”

I have held out for the man and friends who love me for me and I will not change my standards or morals now. He’s waiting for me, just as I am waiting for him.

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